[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming