When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Left at a local drug store…
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.