[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Not today
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Holy moly
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps