Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
This is the one
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…