*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
choose your fighter
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.