Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.