(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW