Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Support your local cemetery
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?