After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Happy Caturday!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?