God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast