I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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how to have an accident 101
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.