Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.