me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee