[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
back to work
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies