Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form