The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant