luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
You Might Also Like
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”