Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
You Might Also Like
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”