I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
My birth announcement for our third baby
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR