cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
there’s probably a fee though
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.