Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”