i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.