[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.