10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The only equipped I am is ill.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.