A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*