Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
You Might Also Like
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen