FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
pls suprot
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
i baked you a cake
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Just this preview of the story is enough