He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
#oldknees
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.