“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.