If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Aight bet
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”