If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.