Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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This is Sparta
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
A man of commitment.