My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.