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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*