Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Stop it! 😂
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR