Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
You Might Also Like
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Mood.. 😂
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.