look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…