HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
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I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Autocarrot sucks!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Why am I like this?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
White parent Vs Arab parents
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*