I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”