Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Seek kebab; not attention
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.