A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock