My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
A French press is when you hug naked
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: