Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You Might Also Like
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot