Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
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100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story