Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
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What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
A small tragedy.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…