I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
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I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters