Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!