I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
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I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.