When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes