Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.